One in a Million

Spiritual Gaslighting

When Crisis is Mistaken for Personal Failure

In many Western societies, we’ve inherited a dangerous habit: interpreting suffering and struggle as evidence of personal failure. Whether through religious framing (“God is punishing you”) or modern-day spiritual repackaging (“you attracted this with your energy”), people going through hardship are often subtly blamed for their pain. This quiet judgment—spiritual gaslighting—causes profound isolation, and it’s purely a cultural problem, not a personal one, nor an accurate interpretation of the original belief system itself.

Reach out and Talk.

Please reach out if you related to anything in these articles or they trigger experiences in your own life.

A Note from Me to You

These articles are personal reflections — shaped by my experiences living in Africa, Asia, Europe, and the U.S. They’re not meant to be universal truths, but rather open windows into the cultural patterns I’ve witnessed and the questions they’ve stirred in me. Much of what I write here is about the quiet ways society can make us feel like we are the problem, when really, we’re responding in very human ways to a world that often feels disconnected or misaligned.

If something here resonates with you — if you’ve ever felt frustrated, misplaced, or just tired of trying to “fix” yourself to fit into systems that feel off — I’d love to hear from you. You’re not alone. This space is here to invite honest conversation, shared stories, and connection.

What are you navigating? What systems or beliefs have weighed on you? What are you hoping to shift?

I’d be honored to walk beside you on your path.

“In prosperity theology, if you’re suffering, you’ve done something wrong—faith isn’t strong enough, sin is in your life, or you’ve failed God.”

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—Bowler, Kate.

What Is Spiritual Gaslighting?

Spiritual gaslighting is the tendency to explain someone’s suffering through moral or metaphysical fault—either theirs or some cosmic justice system. It tells people that:

“God is disciplining you.”

“You must have attracted this.”

“There must be sin, karma, or low vibration at play.”

It’s something never really said out loud. Often, it’s implied through silence, distance, or avoidance when someone’s life starts to fall apart. But the message is loud and clear: you brought this on yourself.

A Cultural Legacy of Judgment.

While these ideas are often associated with religion, they’re not always rooted in scripture or spiritual truth. Rather, they stem from how Western society—especially post-Reformation Christian culture—learned to judge success, failure, and morality.

Even people who aren’t religious still carry this thinking subconsciously. They’ve inherited a worldview that sees life as a test, and suffering as failure. A very black and white kind of thinking. This makes people afraid of others in crisis, as though trauma might be contagious or shameful. We hear it in phrases like:

“Drama follows you.”

“There must be something wrong in your life.”

“You just need more faith.”

These aren’t just hurtful—they’re false. In many parts of the world, including much of Asia, suffering is seen as part of life—not a personal failure or flaw.

The Law of Attraction, Karma, and Other Rebrands

The modern wellness world has only rebranded this spiritual gaslighting. The language has changed—now it’s about vibration, manifestation, and energetic alignment—but the implication is the same: if bad things happen, you must be doing something wrong.

This creates deep fear and shame. People are less likely to talk about what they’re going through because they fear judgment not just from religious communities, but from spiritual ones too. Even in secular circles, you’ll hear things like:

“You must have manifested/attracted this.”

“You’re out of alignment.”

“You chose this for yourself before this life time.”

“What you put out, you get back.”

“Must be in your Karma.”

Same story. Different words. Same isolation.

What Happens When We Judge Trauma

The result? When someone goes through a divorce, a health crisis, a financial collapse, or a breakdown, people pull away. They don’t want to be associated with “drama.” Friends disappear. The small handful of supportive friends or family shrink back. And the person going through the hard time is left alone, right when they need support most.

It’s not because humans are cruel. It’s because we’ve been taught—by culture, religion, media, and mindset movements—to fear suffering. To see it as a sign of failure. To see it as a stain.

But it’s not.

In Other Cultures, Life Just Happens

In much of Asia, for example, life is accepted as cyclical and impermanent. Suffering, aging, loss—these are normal, expected parts of the journey. There’s no need to assign blame. If a man goes through a crisis, it’s not seen as a sign of weakness or punishment. It’s just life.

In nature, when a storm destroys a nest, or a predator takes down prey, no animal stands around asking, “What did the deer do to deserve this?” Yet in human society, we spiritualize and moralize pain constantly.

“That happened for a reason.”

“That’s their karma.”

“There must be a lesson in it they have to learn.”

Sometimes, things just happen. Not because we’re broken, or unspiritual, or sinful. Because we’re alive.

The Impact—Isolation in Crisis

Mid-life men going through divorce, people experiencing sudden illness, women breaking under the pressure of family systems—these people often find themselves utterly alone. Why? Because we judge pain. We avoid messiness. We associate crisis with contagion.

But life is messy. And humans are not meant to navigate grief, transition, or trauma alone.

Breaking the Pattern

To break this pattern, we must first see it. We must name this reflex to judge, to distance, to spiritualize pain. We must be brave enough to sit with others in their mess. Not with answers. Not with diagnoses. Just with presence.

We need to remember that life is not a linear meritocracy. It’s not a divine behavior chart. It’s a wild, unpredictable flow. And no belief system—religious or spiritual—should be used to shame those who are struggling.

You’re Not Being Punished. You’re Being Human.

If you’re going through something hard, it’s not your fault. You are not being punished. You are not ‘lost’ ‘unstable’ or on the wrong track. You’re not unspiritual. You’re not “low vibration.” You’re just living the normal human experience.

Let this article be a gentle reminder that you don’t have to carry the shame of your struggle. You are not alone in your pain. And you are certainly not to blame for it.

“New Age interpretations of karma often become a form of spiritual bypassing and victim-blaming—suggesting people attract harm due to past-life behavior or ‘low vibrations.’”

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— Robert Augustus Masters

I’d Love to Hear From You

If anything in this article spoke to you, or sparked a thought, I’d love to hear about it. Whether you want to explore these ideas more deeply or simply share what’s going on in your life right now, you’re warmly invited to reach out. You don’t need to have it all figured out — I’m here to listen, reflect, and walk beside you in whatever part of the journey you’re in..

Return to the YOU are not the Problem

RESOURCES

Below is a List of Resources – Read, Watch, Listen and Be Inspired!

Cross-Cultural Insight: Buddhism & Acceptance

“Life is suffering.” — The First Noble Truth of Buddhism
In Buddhist cultures, suffering is accepted as an inherent part of existence—not as punishment or moral failure. This foundational teaching underpins the cultural attitude of equanimity in the face of difficulty.
Source: The Four Noble Truths, Buddhist Philosophy

Shame and Western Moral Judgments

“Shame arises when we internalize the belief that our suffering means we are inherently bad or broken.”
— Brené Brown, researcher on shame and vulnerability
Her work shows how deeply Western societies tie self-worth to image, control, and perceived ‘success,’ making vulnerability and struggle taboo.
Book: The Gifts of Imperfection, 2010

The Prosperity Gospel & Suffering as Sin

“In prosperity theology, if you’re suffering, you’ve done something wrong—faith isn’t strong enough, sin is in your life, or you’ve failed God.”
This ideology shaped much of American Christian culture, promoting a moral economy of health and wealth that links suffering to fault. Source: Bowler, Kate. Blessed: A History of the American Prosperity Gospel (Oxford University Press, 2013)

Karma and Victim-Blaming in New-Age Thought

“New Age interpretations of karma often become a form of spiritual bypassing and victim-blaming—suggesting people attract harm due to past-life behavior or ‘low vibrations.’”
— Robert Augustus Masters, psychotherapist and spiritual teacher
Source: Spiritual Bypassing: When Spirituality Disconnects Us from What Really Matters, 2010

Trauma and the Need for Social Support

“Social support during trauma is one of the most powerful predictors of resilience. Isolation, by contrast, significantly increases the risk of chronic PTSD.”
— Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, trauma expert
Book: The Body Keeps the Score, 2014

Evolutionary Roots of Community Through Suffering

“Our ancestors survived through cooperation. In times of difficulty, coming together—not retreating—is what sustained us.”
— Dr. Robin Dunbar, anthropologist
Source: How Many Friends Does One Person Need?, 2010

Cultural Judgment in British Society

“In Britain, stoicism and emotional control are still highly valued… which can leave those experiencing crisis feeling ashamed, dismissed, or unsupported.”
— The Guardian, on mental health stigma in British culture
Source: “The silent epidemic: The shame of mental illness in the UK” – The Guardian, 2017

Taoist Wisdom on Natural Chaos

“The sage accepts all things as they come, for nature does not judge. Wind and fire are neither punishment nor reward—they simply are.”
— Tao Te Ching, attributed to Laozi
This quote reinforces the idea that suffering is not personal—nature itself teaches us to flow with what arises, rather than moralize it.

Comparative Study on Suffering in East vs. West

A 2009 study found that Eastern cultures view suffering as relational and context-based, while Western cultures see it as individual and internal—making Westerners more prone to self-blame.
Source: Uchida, Norasakkunkit, and Kitayama. “Cultural Constructions of Happiness: Theory and Empirical Evidence.” Journal of Happiness Studies, 2009

Nature’s Neutrality as a Teaching

“Nature doesn’t ask why. It just is. The tree falls, the lion strikes, the river floods—it’s not personal. But in Western thought, we interpret suffering as personal moral failure.”
— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Jungian psychoanalyst
Source: Women Who Run With the Wolves, 1992

Books (Further Reading)

“The Body Keeps the Score” – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
Groundbreaking work on trauma and the body, including how community and safe witnessing are vital for healing.

“Spiritual Bypassing: When Spirituality Disconnects Us from What Really Matters” – Robert Augustus Masters
Explores how spiritual language and ideology can be used to avoid pain and invalidate others’ experiences.

“Blessed: A History of the American Prosperity Gospel” – Kate Bowler
Explains how modern Christian thought equates suffering with failure, shaping cultural norms around success and shame.

“Daring Greatly” – Brené Brown
Explores vulnerability and shame in modern culture, and how social judgment prevents true connection.

“When Things Fall Apart” – Pema Chödrön
A deeply compassionate Buddhist perspective on suffering, uncertainty, and impermanence—teaching acceptance over blame.

“Nonviolent Communication” – Marshall Rosenberg
Offers a method for empathy and deep listening that counters judgment and isolation, especially in times of struggle.

“Women Who Run With the Wolves” – Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Rich with archetypal and Jungian insights, this book speaks to deep truths about life’s seasons, wounding, and wild wisdom.

Podcasts & Audio

On Being with Krista Tippett – Episode: “Brené Brown — The Courage to be Vulnerable”
Discusses the role of shame and courage in Western culture.

Sounds True: Insights at the Edge – Episode: Robert Augustus Masters on Spiritual Bypassing
A powerful conversation on how we use spiritual language to avoid real pain.

Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris – Episodes with Pema Chödrön and Tara Brach
Great balance between Buddhist wisdom and psychological clarity.

Unlocking Us – Brené Brown
Many episodes touch on themes of social shame, judgment, and emotional isolation in Western systems.

YouTube & TED Talks

Brené Brown – “The Power of Vulnerability” (TEDxHouston)
One of the most-watched TED Talks ever, speaking directly to the fear of not being “enough” during difficult times.
▶️ Watch here

Robert Augustus Masters – “Spiritual Bypassing & the Shadow”
Short, direct insights into how spirituality can be used to shame, blame, or avoid truth.
▶️ Watch here

Pema Chödrön – “This Lousy World”
A humorous and grounded take on accepting difficulty and imperfection as part of the path.
▶️ Watch here

Alain de Botton – “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person” (TED Talk)
Speaks to Western obsession with idealism and the subtle spiritual shame around failure.
▶️ Watch here

Research & Articles

“Cultural Constructions of Happiness: Theory and Empirical Evidence” – Uchida, Norasakkunkit, Kitayama (2009)
Shows how Eastern and Western cultures interpret suffering and happiness differently.

“Shame and Social Judgment” – National Institutes of Health
Research on how shame is socially constructed and enforced in different cultures.

“Karma and Victim Blaming in New Age Belief Systems” – Journal of Contemporary Religion
An academic analysis of spiritual bypassing and individual responsibility narratives.

“The Role of Religion in Coping with Trauma: A Cross-Cultural Perspective” – Journal of Traumatic Stress
Compares spiritual interpretations of suffering across cultures and their effect on healing.

“The Evolutionary Roots of Human Cooperation” – Robin Dunbar, Oxford University
Anthropological evidence that humans survive and thrive through communal support, not isolation or moral judgment.