I am fed up.
I am fed up with the fact that everything I do in my day is a an exercise to make sure I keep me safe. I am fed up with having to do things all the time to avoid what may trigger a breakdown. I can’t have a lie in without becoming obsessively stressed about having wasted time, getting worse and worse until all I hear is that I’m a failure and a bad person. I avoid lie ins because I know they’re bad for me.
I am fed up with the fact that before ever putting some food substance into my mouth, I have to mentally give myself permission. Remind myself that eating is natural and normal. Go through all the science in my head, reiterate to myself about energy production, exercise and glycogen storage. It doesn’t change the terror of it though. The script only allows me a little bit of extra room to get that food into my system without the guilt at 100% capacity.
I am fed up with having to wait for the storms to pass even though I know they always will. I just wish it was never stormy, or the hurricanes never existed because although I know I will be fine, I am always constantly building up what they have torn down.
I am fed up of having to plan my life around my mental health. Always trying to stay ahead when it has longer legs than I. When it can reach distances faster than I can. When it can manipulate the environment so I no longer can find the path in order to run ahead.
It is exhausting.
I’m still not giving up though.